I Now Pronounce You Man & Wife… Hold it! Do you know what you signed up for?!

Marriage is an institution; love is not, neither is growth!

Yep, you may quote me on that.

First thing first, I’ve not been in a marriage, hence, in that sense, I’m not qualified to write on this topic. On the other hand, I’ve known enough couples whose marriages work and those which don’t. Plus, when someone “poses” me a challenge or inspiration, I’d rise to the occasion (when I feel like it, that is)!

My conclusion on marriage?

  1. Marriage is an institution.
  2. Love and growth are human rights.
  3. In most cases, marriages fall short of expectation.
  4. To succeed in marriage, compromises are essential.
  5. To want to be independent and yet stay in a blissful marriage is almost impossible. However most people did not sign up for commitment, responsibility AND patience (plus compromises, plus work [lots of it], plus losing one’s independence [like it or not, in some ways you will, esp. when the babies arrived], plus… well add it according to your taste.
  6. Everyone has different reality; one person may think he/she is in a good marriage while the other partner may have different opinions on that. Same marriage, different experiences!
  7. Love is free and personal growth is a human’s goal in life. Marriage as in the case of our society fails to address that. To use legal means to prescribe what is right or wrong in marriages can and/or may pose potential problems.
  8. For a marriage to last one’s entire life (in most cases, let’s just say if your marriage survives the golden anniversary, then I deemed that as a successful marriage regardless of inherent problems), there has to be something both parties love and not want to lose within that marriage, whatever it is is of no consequence. It could be children, companionship, money, and hopefully love (however one defines it), etc…
  9. Do not expect others to be perfect when one is not himself/herself.
  10. There are more marriages that fall apart rather than one that lasts.

In the mean time though, here is what is on my mind.

Love is a prelude to marriage. Love is not the only thing that is essential for one to stay in marriage. Something more is needed. Life is potentially short but when one counts the days and nights, it feels like a long journey IF one is not happy. To be happily married, each person has the responsibility to be a happy person, first and foremost. How can anyone helps or makes another one happy if he/she himself is not happy?! That’s a prerequisite for all relationships. Think, if you’re not happy within, can you have a happy time with your friend, boss or job? Unlikely!

Going into a marriage with impossible or high expectation is to set oneself up for failure. Having said that, you cannot go into a marriage (or rather there is no need to) if there is practically no expectation out of the other person either, right? So, the smart thing to do is probably to talk to one another about what one expects out of that liaison and partnership.

Marriage is a partnership, in more way than one. It is not just a piece of paper and should never be one that’s hanging over the other person’s head. In other words, do not tell your partner that just because he/she signed the papers, he/she cannot “ignore” you. Chances are, they always will. Each person grows up in different environment and under different family (or even cultural) rules. Hence, what you think is right thing to do, the other person might not. Marriage is exciting in that you discover how the other person is different from you and that’s the most enlightened journey of your life. Go into marriage thinking that and I don’t think you’d do too badly. Going into marriage thinking how similar you both are is to set oneself up for a whole lifetime of disappointments!!!

On the sideline, marriage is not just what you and your partner signed up for. It is a coexistence of 2 different families, cultures, races or even countries. Try to speak a different language which you’re accustomed to and you’d know how difficult that is. Try to speak that to a whole family from another “galaxy”, now you get it… Yet, some people have the idea that a marriage is a LICENSE to torture, to demand and to ask for whatever that makes them happy… Is it really? I doubt it ;p I have the feeling most people spend less time thinking about what they have signed up for than about a marriage proposal and a wedding reception and/or a honeymoon!

So, here they are… bits and crumbs of my thoughts on marriage.
Until the day I’ve had personal experiences, this is probably the best I could do!

Cheers to all lovers who took the courageous move to get married and be BOUND by the rules of the court! Not only is it an institution, it is full of responsibilities, commitments and compromises. Love is free; marriage is not quite!

Don’t get me wrong. There are tons of advantages for having a marriage partner for life. For better or worse, people in marriages will have someone to spend Christmases and New Years with (at the least, I hope!). For another, when love is in the marriage, the support (be it moral or physical) is something that’s so valuable that many will die trying. Last but not least, a marriage is a covenant, it is a promise, it is someone witnessing your very existence & it is one worth trying until you get it right!!!

{For Better OR Worse: Penny for your thoughts… Do you really signed up for worse? I think defining what is worse is more appropriate. No one should sign up for abuses and other forms of tortures or restrictions to one’s personal growth. That might sound selfish but that is my way & choice of living my life. May be that’s why I’m still not married! }

However way you meet, make sure you know enough of one another before you take that BIG step!!!


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